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Jay Rayner, restaurant critic for the London Observer, said…..”People adore bad reviews.  Nobody would be interested in reading the good ones. Bad experiences are simply funnier.”

Brendan Behan, the Irish poet and playwright, once said, “Critics are like eunuchs in a harem. They know how it’s done. They’ve seen it done. But they’re just unable to do it themselves.”

By and large, that’s probably true. My guess is that Ben Brantley, the New York Times’ talented and feared Broadway theater critic, has probably never written a successful play. And his colleague, art critic Roberta Smith, has most likely never had a showing at a significant gallery. Likewise, the pop music critic for the Times may never have learned to play a Fender Stratocaster guitar (and certainly can’t play like Jimi Hendrix).

For the past several years, I have thoroughly enjoyed following important restaurant critics here in the United States as well as a select group of reviewers from across the pond.

I find that the American reviewers are uniformly excellent and entertaining writers no doubt providing valuable information to millions of their readers as they make their dining out choices. (If it weren’t for Grand Forks Herald columnist Marilyn Hagerty, for example, how many people would have never experienced the pleasures of Olive Garden? Okay, maybe that’s not the best example.)

One of my favorite writers is Pete Wells of the New York Times, who wrote, after a fairly recent visit to the legendary PETER LUGER STEAKHOUSE in Brooklyn, “After I paid, there is the unshakable sense that I’ve been scammed.”

Wells also opined on TV rock star Guy Fieri’s multi-million dollar restaurant in New York: “Somewhere within the yawning, three-level interior of GUY’S AMERICAN KITCHEN, there is a refrigerated tunnel that servers have to pass through to make sure that the French fries, already limp and oil-sogged, are also served cold.”

Back to the Olive Garden: The late Jonathan Gold of the Los Angeles Times (perhaps reviewing it as a joke) dubbed the chain’s famous breadsticks, “doughy things slicked with grease and oil.”

With American critics, this is about as critical as it gets. Their reviews tend to be accurate, informative, amusing, and occasionally a little harsh. But, if it’s true, all is fair.

On the other hand…

BRITISH FOOD CRITICS are SNARKIER, BOLDER, WITTIER, FUNNIER and MORE BARE-KNUCKLED.

To wit, the late (and great) A.A. GILL of the London Times:

“It tasted like PRESSED LIPOSUCTION.” (This was in reference to the paté at the famous Parisian bistro, L’Ami Louis, that American tourists love)

“The rest of the meal [at a Jean-Georges Vongerichten restaurant) was one bland, watery compost that could BARELY INCITE FLATULENCE.”

More from his review of L’Ami Louis:

Foie Gras: “…intimidatingly gross flabs of chilled paté, with a slight coating of PUSTULAR YELLOW FAT.”

The dining room: “The cramped tables are set with labially pink cloths, which give it a COLON-LIKE FEEL and the awkward sense that YOU might be the SUPPOSITORY.”

Servers: “Surly waiters in a DUNG-BROWN dining room”

In sum: “It is, all things considered, entre nous, THE WORST RESTAURANT in the WORLD.”

From Gill’s other reviews:

“They tied vegetables up with string and then sprayed them with raspberry vinegar like TOM CATS on the PULL”.

“THE soup was as cold as a PROCTOLOGIST’S FINGER.” (from a review of a London restaurant called Bouillabaisse)

”It’s laughably overpriced, but doesn’t take credit cards. But all that is just by the by compared with its unique horror. To get in, you have to be kissed by a woman called Mara, who must surely have been around to do tongues with Garibaldi.” (from a review of the London restaurant, San Lorenzo)

“Somehow the heat had welded them together into a gray, suppurating renal brick. It could be the result of an accident involving rat babies in a nuclear reactor. They don’t taste as nice as they sound.” (referring to the broiled kidneys at, you guessed it, L’Ami Louis”

“How clever are shrimp-and-foie gras dumplings with grapefruit dipping sauce? What if we called them fishy liver-filled condoms. They were properly vile, with a savor that lingered like a lovelorn drunk and tasted as if your mouth had been used as the swab bin in an animal hospital.” (from his review of Jean-Georges’ 66 restaurant in New York).

“The bean soup arrived cold around a mash of something that might have been peas, but also might have been ear wax.”

Now, my current favorite London food critic, JAY RAYNER:

“Brits understand the simple joy of comparing a rude waiter to an UNLUBRICATED COLONOSCOPY.”

“The steak slips down like something that has SPENT IT’S LIFE CHAINED TO A RADIATOR IN THE BASEMENT.” (When Smith & Wollensky opened in London)

“My dish of blood-rare pigeon might fly again if GIVEN A FEW VOLTS.”

“My advice? Don’t go. Keep not going. Keep not going a lot.” (From his review of Novikov, the wildly popular spot in Mayfair, London)

And last but not least, from his review of the crazy, goofy, nuts, wildly expensive Paris restaurant, Le Cinq, in the Four Seasons Hotel:  “The dining room was decorated in various shades of taupe, biscuit and F**K You.”

Well, there you have it: CRITICAL REVIEWS PRIOR TO COVID-19!

The pandemic really changed everything. In March of 2020, the jubilant restaurant scene came to a screeching halt. THE JOY WAS GONE.

The industry worldwide was on its knees. COVID-19 was not just a blip; it’s a once-in-our-lifetime event (one can only hope).

Stoves were off. Chairs were set on tables upside down. Staff was furloughed.

How do restaurant critics cover this massive blow to the entire global restaurant industry?  Will they?… should they?… be…cheerleaders?… Or, shifting to a newsier mode, should they just report the facts?

You may have noticed how Pete Wells of the New York Times responded to the crisis. He stopped rating restaurants with stars, presumably to go easy on them. But he also wrote, “Our primary job is to serve our readers, not the restaurants. Being a cheerleader does not serve my readers.”

On the other hand, in New Orleans, Brett Anderson pivoted from criticism to straight reportage. Why? “If I started pontificating whether the panéed rabbit was up to snuff, I would have been missing the bigger story….which was about recovery.”  

Laura Reilly, who writes for the Washington Post, says, “I simply put reporting before criticism. How useful is it to talk about some restaurant’s garnish being off when you’re standing in three feet of water?”

And finally, Jay Rayner sums up the posture of most of the critics that I followed during the pandemic: “I prefer to accent the positive. That doesn’t mean giving good reviews to bad places. It just means that if I can’t be generally positive, I won’t review and I’ll just move on.”

To illustrate the tone of criticism during the past year, it was not brutal at all. It was more along the lines of….

“The venison was so undercooked, you could practically hear it snort.” (perhaps that’s a little harsh)

Or…“Authentic is not the same as good. Ever tried chicken feet? Jellified cartilage.”

And then this: “If I see someone eating chicken wings with a knife and fork, I know that we can never be friends.”

William Sitwell of the London Telegraph, wrote, “Don’t expect this kindness to last forever. You can rest assured that the sharp pen of the critic will return when the good times return.”

Critics’ knives will, once again, be unsheathed.

And I will look forward to it.

JUST MAKE ME LAUGH OUT LOUD ONCE IN A WHILE.

WTF

That’s how British food critic Jay Rayner of the Guardian referred to the restaurant business as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic of last year….that’s going to be hanging around at least through the first half of this year.

Well put, Jay Rayner.

But I hope that I’m not being pollyannish when I say, “There are green-shoots appearing out there.”  The greenest is, of course, the COVID-19 vaccine (if we can ever get our act together on distribution and jab one hell of a lot more folks).

As our industry slowly rises from the ashes, there are some new protocols in place that will most likely be with us for a long time, if not forever.  Among them: Sanitize, sanitize, sanitize…masks…touchless transactions…curbside pickup and delivery…social distancing…and food safety.

Regarding eating habits and trends, what do we see as we look back on 2020?

Well, for one, eating at home may become the restaurant industry’s biggest competition. And quick service and fast casual restaurant concepts enjoyed surprising success.

FRIED CHICKEN SANDWICHES at the likes of Mc DONALD’S, SHAKE SHACK and CHICK-FIL-A rose over 300% over 2019.  And while the worst fried chicken sandwich that I ever ate was wonderful, my favorite last year was the crunchy NASHVILLE HOT CHICKEN SANDWICH, loaded up with paprika, cayenne pepper and crunchy dill pickles.

AVOCADO TOAST exploded with a vengeance, with iterations involving smoked salmon, goat cheese and both scrambled and poached eggs.

BURITTOS, mainly from CHIPOTLE, surged…primarily from take-out.

And PLANT BASED BURGERS detonated across the country.  I personally saw that happen close to home, where – when they were open – SALUT and GOOD EARTH set records with IMPOSSIBLE BURGER sales.

LIQUOR STORE sales erupted as people made stock-up trips and drank more at home…maybe a lot more.

And we all felt the run for groceries as most all of us (including me) raided supermarket shelves for provisions when they were available (Does that make me a bad person?)

Here’s something else……

HOME COOKING revived. But with the economic stress present in all too many households, it’s been reported that when we’re feeling down, we seek out high-calorie COMFORT FOODS – dishes that speak not just to appetite but to memory

In my growing-up years, everything was home cooked…MEATLOAF…CHICKEN POT PIE…PB and J…PUMPKIN PIE and POTATO CHIPS with a dip of dry Lipton onion soup mixed with sour cream. 

Even restaurants saw an uptick in nostalgic comfort foods:  ROASTED  CHICKEN and FRIES…DAUBE (French beef stew)…CURRIES…SIMPLE SPAGHETTI

& MEATBALLS. 

You have to wonder, what does it all mean for future dining trends?

Predicting is a dubious exercise. 2021 is hard for me to read.  But here are some thoughts………

There seems to be several separate viewpoints – all to some degree, in conflict with one another. Try to weave these observations together and make some sense of it all.

1. HOME COOKING WILL REMAIN POPULAR……break out that BREAD MACHINE.

2. SIMPLER, SOUL SEARCHING and COMFORTING, COZY RESTAURANT OFFERINGS……(can NUTRISYSTEM and Marie Osmond be far behind ?).

3. After months of a sedentary lifestyle, will people yearn for HEALTHIER, MORE NUTRITIOUS CHOICES ON MENUS.

4. Although not as prevalent, escape will be a theme…… FANCY, PAMPERED, EXPENSIVE, INDULGENT and EXCLUSIVE………HMMMMM ???

5. Will the merging of science and food – i.e. MICRO-GASTRONOMY restaurants – survive?  Already several MICHELIN-STARRED spots around the planet have flipped the switch from $300 tasting menus to HOMESTYLE FOOD and BURGERS.

6. And what about TWEEZER FOOD and MANICURED COOKING?    I just don’t know. I’m pulling for them.

7. I also do not believe that 2021 will be a year of FRIVOLOUS FOOD.   PINEAPPLE PIZZA will not replace a PERFECTLY STRAIGHT FORWARD, CRISPY CHARRED, THIN-CRUSTED MARGHERITA PIZZA. Nor will BIZAARE and SILLY GARNISHED BURGERS edge out the JUCY LUCY’S of the WORLD.

One thing that I do know is WHAT WE ARE GOING TO DO AT PARASOLE…….

And that is this…….

Years ago, on a SWELTERING HOT, 95 degree summer day, I pulled up in back of a Chinese restaurant here in Minneapolis and observed a cook cleaning shrimp on the white-hot hood of his car……NOT GOOD. NOT SAFE. NOT GONNA FLY.

NO, people are going to want to FEEL SECURE in restaurants that they KNOW and TRUST IN THEIR SAFE FOOD HANDLING.

NO, people are going to just want to gather and socialize with dear friends and family while FEELING SAFE.  YES, FEELING VERY SAFE.

NO, I think there will be AN APPRECIATION OF THINGS DONE WELL…REALLY WELL….. just like I will cherish the comfort and simplicity of a YUMMY MELTY GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH and a perfect bowl of STEAMING TOMATO SOUP.

NO, as our restaurants emerge, not a word on our menus will surprise you. We’ll do our level best to ensure that each of our restaurants will be A PLACE WHERE WRONG DOESN’T HAPPEN…..PLACES WITH LESS SILLY CHAT….”Is the Milady still working on her salmon?”

NO, our joints will be a place to WOLF-DOWN BOTTLES OF CABERNET, WITH FRIENDS, as if there’s no school tomorrow.

NO, when we dine out, we want it to be MEMORABLE.  Imagine the joy of the LUXURIOUS SIMPLICITY of a MANNY’S DRY-AGED, THICK, TWO-FISTED DEEPLY-CHARRED PORTERHOUSE STEAK, seared at 1800 degrees, blistering hot and just off the grill along with a FLINTSTONE-SIZED PLATTER of CRISPY BUTTER-FRIED HASH BROWNS .

And once you take a bite, then you will know that EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AGAIN, AFTER ALL. 

And you will also LEARN WHY MANNY’S STEAKS MAKE EVEN BUTCHERS HORNY.

W.T. F.

PHIL

Anyone remember the movie, BACK TO THE FUTURE? This summer, someone created a parody in which Doc Brown says: “Marty, whatever you do, do not go to 2020!”

Well, the year isn’t over yet, and everything seems to have gotten worse. We’re dead on, balls-in-the-center of the worst pandemic in memory.

We all know the dire situation…a quarter-million deaths, depression, suicides, divorce, unemployment, businesses in the tank, nest eggs gone…and the list goes on and on.

The restaurant industry has been dealt a body blow (after body blow) and is one of the poster children of the pandemic disaster.

And yet, here we are: still open for business, still putting out awesome dishes, making life a little better for our guests, so thankful we have jobs. We’re social distancing, filtering the air, insanely sanitizing every surface over and over and over again. We’re faiythfully wearing uncomfortable face masks for hours and hours (please say a prayer for our cooks in our kitchens, some of them standing over a torrid scorching deep fryer for hours, all the while wearing a face mask).

So what have we learned these past several months? And what does the dining future look like?

We know that some pandemic trends are going to remain, even after a vaccine is available. Frequent hand washing and sanitizing are here to stay. So too is less touching in restaurants, with QR codes for menus instead of paper. Touchless payment devices will reign.

I expect that business travel will take a few years to return to some sort of normal. Restaurants will not rely as much on international travelers or domestic business travel and will move to attract more locals. Hotel occupancy will continue to suffer greatly. And urban centers and office buildings will be dramatically less populated as thousands of employees have become comfortable, productive and accustomed to working from home.

With a few clicks, meal delivery and curbside pickup will be a part of most every cosumer’s tool-box. Affordable comforting food will grow in popularity. Meal kits, while popular, will never be as good as a great restaurant.

Outdoor seating will be much more prevalent and more creative than ever.

And I’m wondering if a new hybrid of restaurants will emerge, one based on a fast casual model that’s more interesting and sophisticated where you order up at the counter but with a significant bar and really good food. I’m thinking of CENTRO in the North Loop.

So what steps are the fine dining and rock-star restaurants doing to cope with shutdowns and severe COVID-19 restrictions including 50% less seating capacity and curtailed hours of operation?

Well, just as Louis Vuitton is not morphing into The Gap, and the Four Seasons hotels are not becoming Holiday Inn Expresses, important restaurants are retaining their DNA and special allure while at the same time finding creative solutions that are less expensive and have big-time appetite appeal to a broader audience that they all desperately need right now.

World renowned ALINEA In Chicago, whose theatrical tasting menu was $365 and reservations were next to impossible to snag, has tabled their molecular-gastronomy offerings (the merging of science and ingredients, with a heavy dose of liquid nitrogen) and is now offering a comforting SHORT RIB WELLINGTON with mashed potatoes for $34.95 for curb-side pickup.

NOMA, in Copenhagen, known for its spectacularly imaginative (and stunningly priced) fourteen-course dining experience, and who for four consecutive years was named the “Best Restaurant in the World, has completely flipped the switch and become a burger joint. It must be one hell of a burger.

Michelin starred CANLIS in Seattle, now closed for indoor dining, has created a drive-thru on the premises. The morning queue starts at 7AM with a drive-thru menu of bagels of every stripe. Later in the day the switch to burgers – $14.95 with fries. I’ve read that they serve over a thousand burgers a day. A good reputation sure helps.

MANNY’S STEAKHOUSE, is boxing up combinations of its proprietary dry-aged steaks just in time for Christmas. Purchase Manny’s Steaks Here.

Restaurants need to focus on INNOVATION – because if we lose innovation we’ll no longer have any advantage over at-home eating. Such is the case with Gavin Schmidt at THE MORRIS in San Francisco, also Michelin starred, who was in the habit of serving fried chicken as an employee meal. Now, every Thursday, he’s showcasing “Fried Chicken & Champagne” as a feel-good and comforting solution to these wretched times. They sell out every week.

Even DANIEL BOULUD in New York, whose strict dress code mirrors his elegant menu offerings, has relaxed his exacting male attire requirements. Jackets and ties are no longer required, just “smart casual.”

So now…my opinion:

My view is that fine/fancy dining will diminish – not go away, but most likely recede in the public’s consciousness. Some customers are still going to want that pampered, special experience. But now is not the time to be cooking for egos or the press.

THE MICHELIN GUIDE has made the world insane. Chefs aren’t cooking for customers; they’re cooking for a TIRE COMPANY.

In an era of half-full dining rooms, have three-star restaurants gone the way of two-martini lunches and two-pack-a-day smoking habits?

Does anyone these days want to put up with a French waiter who is not there to please you, but for you not to disappoint him?

And are you going to feel comfortable being scrutinized by a well-intentioned lurking staff in a joyless hushed dining room? And ladies, if you are not decked out in a Hermes scarf or red-soled Christian Louboutin stilettos and spritzed with Jo Malone, just how are you going to feel?

How about wine lists that sport an entry-level price of a hundred bucks and you cannot even pronounce the maker?

I don’t know about you, but I’m a little tired of the awkward ceremony of hovering chefs at my table explaining their culinary philosophy.

It’s my belief that folks don’t dine out at MANNY’S just because they are hungry.

No, they go to MANNY’S because they just want to get out of the house, have an amazing steak, be entertained, be around people they like, feel the buzz of conversation and laughter, without a care in the world and just have a damn good time. At MANNY’S you are not ordering a DRY AGED NEW YORK STRIP to stave off rickets.

I’ll take a table for two there.

W.T.F.

The French colonial empire extended across the world, ruling a wide range of places to varying degrees, from the late 16^th century to as recently as the 1990s. In fact, France had the second-largest colonial empire in the world, second only to that of Great Britain. Consequently, local interpretations of French cuisine are still enjoyed today in unexpected places around the planet.

VIETNAM

From 1887 until its demise in 1954, the French colonial empire – collectively known as French Indochina – included Vietnamese, Cambodian, Laotian and Chinese territories across Southeast Asia. Well over half a century after the French left, their influence remains. For example, the architecture, particularly in Hanoi, is French inspired. And Vietnam is the only Asian country were French baguettes are consumed on a daily basis. VOL AU VENT, a delicate French pastry shell often filled with shrimp, is a popular dish. And, of course, the BANH MI remains the signature sandwich of Vietnam, served on a mayo-slathered French bread roll and stuffed with one or more meats like shredded pork or sausage, pickled carrots and daikon, cilantro, fresh cucumber, sliced chilis and often a slice of French pork pâtè.

FRENCH MOROCCO and FRENCH ALGERIA

The French first moved on Algeria in the mid 1800’s, went into Tunisia in 1881, and wrested control of Morocco in 1912. They stayed ‘til the mid 1990s before they were expelled and independence was declared by all three North African countries. The culinary legacies? There are French croquettes called MAAKOUTA BATATA, made from mashed potatoes, garlic, cumin, turmeric and mint…with honey-laced yogurt on the side. Yum!! GRILLED KEBABS of all stripes abound, typically marinated in some combination of cilantro, honey, mint, garlic, cumin and paprika. A classic dish is CHICKEN TAGINE with green olives and preserved lemon.

SYRIA

The kingdom of Syria surrendered to French forces in 1920. The French left in 1946, but their culinary influences so powerful that in recent years, when the country fell into chaos, rebels even issued a fatwa banning croissants (they said the pastry’s “crescent shape celebrates European victory over Muslims.”). French influences can also be seen in popular dishes like SHAKSHUSA, a brunchy concoction of red peppers, tomatoes, onion, cumin, and paprika topped with poached eggs. The dish originated in France, where it’s called PIPERADE. The only discernible difference that I can find between the two is that piperade uses a Basque spice called piment d’espelette, a dried chile sauce, instead of paprika. A distinction without a difference? Perhaps, but both are delicious.

THE FRENCH IN INDIA

In 1664 the French moved into southern India and established the French East Indian Trading Company headquartered in the city of Pondicherry. The main purpose at the time was to capitalize on the trade of luxurious fabrics and exotic spices. The French hung around the region, constantly quarreling with Britain, until 1950, three years after India gained her independence. But the French left quite a culinary imprint, including BOUILLABAISSE (yes, Bouillabaisse) but with a tropical Indian infusion of coconut milk and curry. Another is KING PRAWN CURRY with big fat shrimp in a curry spiked with ginger and turmeric containing hints of ginger and orange. A personal aside: I and members of PARASOLE’S culinary team dined at the legendary La Coupole brasserie on Rue Montparnasse in Paris a few years back and, among other delights, shared their signature dish: INDIAN CURRY. We brought the idea back home to SALUT and featured it as a monthly special ­– the most popular one we’ve ever run.

THE FRENCH IN CANADA

A large group of French folks emigrated to North America and settled in Acadia, or what we now call Nova Scotia. They were peaceful country folk who by and large farmed, hunted and fished for a living. But the British didn’t want them there and several wars occurred over the years until the British finally conquered them in 1710. Some decades later, around 1775, the Acadians migrated en masse to Louisiana and settled in the bayous just west of New Orleans. They called themselves Cajuns and lived off the local bounty, hunting and fishing and small farming. Their cooking continued to respect French technique. (BTW, the Creoles were more city folk and their cuisine embraced a much broader swath of cultures, from Spanish and Portuguese to Jamaican, African and French. Today the Cajun and Creole cuisines are by and large blended with only a few distinctions.) 

Oysters were plentiful for the French-Canadian settlers, as was game, seafood, pork, alligator and shrimp. Today iconic French-influenced restaurants thrive in New Orleans. ANTOINE’S, founded in 1840, was the creator of OYSTERS ROCKEFELLER and OYSTERS BIENVILLE as well as countless other iterations of delicious and inventive cheesy roasted oyster dishes.  Other significant French restaurants populate New Orleans today. GALATOIRE’S, founded in 1905, and ARNAUD’S, dating back to 1918, celebrate New Orleans’ take on French-inspired classics: CRAWFISH, QUAIL, SHRIMP ETOUFEE, CREOLES, GUMBOS and JAMBALAYAS.

FRENCH POLYNESIA

French traders and crewmen working on whaling ships were among the first westerners to encounter what became known as the French Polynesian islands in the mid-1800’s. Catholic missionaries arrived about the same time. France finally sent in a gunboat and in 1842 Tahiti was declared a French protectorate. The French archipelago is made up of over a hundred islands and atolls, the most populated being Tahiti and the most remote being Pitcarin Island, with a population 50, far away to the southeast. Today, Tahiti sports 5-star hotels where rock-star chefs create dishes with French underpinnings and bold tropical ingredients. One iconic French-inspired offering is a riff on CHICKEN FRICASSE except instead of chicken braised in cream sauce, the use of coconut milk, mangoes, ginger and pineapple provides a bright Polynesian punch. With the abundance of local fish, it is not surprising that the French authored a wide range of marinated raw fish appetizers. POISSON CRU was reimagined in Tahiti, where AHI TUNA is marinated and cured in lime juice along with coconut milk, tomatoes and fresh ginger.

THERE, YOU HAVE IT…(well almost)

The French being French, wine is part of the dining experience even in the South Pacific. And it’s not all imported. There’s actually a vineyard (small, just 15 acres) that somehow produces grapes from the inhospitable coral soil. A Frenchman winemaker from the Burgundy region named Sebastian Theperier, planted the grape vines in the 1990s and produces Muscat (white wine) and Grenache (rose wine). Although I’ve never sampled Tahitian wine, I’ve read that they are both pretty good.

What also looks pretty good: The idyllic life that the mutinous English Royal Navy officer Fletcher Christian of the HMS Bounty discovered on Pitcarin island. It’s good to be a mutineer.

Hi, folks –

It’s been awhile.

But now here we are, dipping our toe back into the water.

Since the end of March, it made no sense to me to write about restaurants you wouldn’t be able to visit. That would be torture for foodies!

But…my antenna have been up and I’ve managed to tune into how restaurants are handling the pandemic. You may find it amusing.

First there are the baby-blue masks…and then are those fashionistas that color coordinate their masks with apparel. Others make their own, while some appear to mask up and celebrate the Carnevale di Venezia – the Venice Carnival.

SOCIAL DISTANCING…on the sidewalks…in the grocery store…even at Burger King (or maybe especially at Burger King).

And in the restaurants…

CAFÉ-KONDITOREI in Germany attached swimming pool noodles to straw hats as a social distancing measure.

Giant inner tubes solved the issue at FISH TALES BAR in Ocean City, Maryland.

At MEDIAMATIC ETEN, a vegetarian restaurant in Amsterdam, you can practice distancing by dining in your own private greenhouse.

If you want pandemic safety in Paris, visit H.A.N.D. restaurant near the Louvre and dine under your personal giant protective transparent lampshade suspended from the ceiling over your head and upper body.   It was created by noted French designer Christophe Gernigon.  He claims that his transparent dining pods actually enhance the dining experience by trapping in the food aromas.   HMMMM!….B as in B. S  as in S.

Now, as you already know, restaurants are required to eliminate roughly 50% of their tables to ensure distancing safety. But what to do with all those pesky unused tables?

In London, in Knightsbridge, bright red plush teddy bears occupy the forbidden seats and tables.

THE INN AT LITTLE WASHINGTON, a Relais & Château five-star, five diamond-rated restaurant located in the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains, resolved the issue by dressing mannequins and seating them at the empty tables to make the restaurant seem full. A little creepy? I was just wondering.

And speaking of creepy, check out TRATTORIA DE LUIGI in Royal Oak, Michigan (just north of Detroit). Instead of achieving social distancing by removing tables, they’ve converted chairs into white-draped ghosts. Calamari with a side of Casper, anyone?

Even creepier: OPEN HEARTH in Greenville, South Carolina seats empty booths with blow-up dolls (no doubt mail ordered and delivered in plain brown wrapping paper – after all, what would the neighbors think?)

All amusing…all creative…some creepy…. and all bizarre.

It’s funny – but only the first time. Not so funny on the second visit.

No, I’m a firm believer that restaurants are where you go when you want to leave concerns, troubles, drudgeries, duties and worries in a pile by the door – a place where life changes the moment you step inside. It’s kind of like a little vacation from yourself.

WELCOME BACK!

PHIL

Joanne and I are healthy (fingers crossed). But during this time of no travel and no dining experiences, I thought it would be best to pause the blog … C’est la vie.

Stay healthy everyone!

WTF
Phil

As a little kid growing up in a little town in central Illinois, a daily highlight for me was the 8:21 AM of the arrival of the sleek and speedy, Chicago-bound CALIFORNIA ZEPHYR at the Kewanee train station. About once a year my mother, grandmother, Aunt Rose and little Phil would board that superliner for a 3-hour ride to the big city to visit Aunt Edie – always occupying a table in the dining car, and I, always ordering pancakes.

To this day I retain my childhood amazement with train travel, especially the pleasure of luxuriating for hours in the dining cars.

So it was that last summer Joanne and I – grandkids in tow – traveled through France and on to Barcelona aboard the glossy TGV trains, cruising along at 300KM/H (190 MPH)…all the while anticipating gracious lunches served by smartly uniformed stewards.

After all, some of our fondest travel experiences were aboard Europe’s grand trains.  Back in the day, Joanne and I traveled to Italy regularly on business for the Buca restaurants. We’d always fly Northwest Airlines to its European gateway, Frankfurt, then journey by rail to our final destination. Train dining at that time was serious business, with starched linens, silver service, the sound of clinking glassware, and meals prepared to order over open flames. As we rolled into the Alps, and finally through the Brenner Pass, gaping at the spectacular views, we’d assuage our souls with ample amounts of wine. Life was good.

Life got even better on other trips to visit our daughter who was living and working in Switzerland. After a short stay with Jennifer, Joanne and I would again book a train trip over the Alps – only these times we’d take a less direct route, heading east toward St. Moritz through the hair-raising Bernina Pass, savoring the breathtaking scenery and meticulously prepared dinners in equal measure.

Dining on five-course dinners in a full-scale, softly lit dining car as the Alps flash past your window is certainly a romantic experience. Maybe not quite as sensual as the famous dining car seduction in the film North by Northwest involving Cary Grant and Eva Marie Saint, but definitely worth booking a private cabin for.

In 1974, Agatha Christie’s Murder on the Orient Express introduced movie audiences to the glamour and elegance of perhaps the world’s most famous train. Watching Albert Finney confidently assert “I am probably the best detective in the world,” I wondered if it was Hercule Poirot’s self-possession that got Mrs. Hubbard all hot and bothered – or was she in thrall to the silk-swathed luxury of the train? All I knew is that one day I, too, would travel on the Orient Express (with Joanne as my Lauren Bacall).

Some years later while in London, we discovered that we could book a lunch trip on the Orient Express as it embarked from Victoria Station on its three-day journey to Istanbul.

How?

Well, the train (known as the Belmond Orient Express in England) leaves London around 11:30 AM. Champagne in their private boarding lounge at Victoria Station awaits. The train arrives two-and-a-half hours later at Folkestone Harbor on the southern coast of England – giving you just enough time to enjoy a lavish, Champagne-soaked lunch. From Folkestone, Joanne and I took a chartered motor coach back to London.  Passengers who are continuing on to Istanbul cross the Chunnel on the Eurotunnel train. And upon arriving in Calais, France, they board the Venice Simplon Orient Express to continue on their adventure.

Having tasted the experience of traveling – not just across England but back in time – on the most storied 5-star vintage train carriages in the world, we decided a few years later (on our anniversary or something) to actually do the Full Monty and book the train’s Asian sister, called The Eastern and Orient Express, for a trip from Bangkok to Singapore through the lush jungles and greenery of Thailand and Malaysia. With heavenly, mouthwatering cuisine, romantic mood lighting and crisp sheets, it gave new meaning to “civilized travel.”

And NO, it didn’t break the budget. You see, we saved on two nights in a hotel and all meals were included as well as transportation for two to Singapore (900 miles).

So how was our more recent experience on the TGV?

First class in every way – EXCEPT IN THE DINING CARS!!

It appears that nationalization has infected train transportation and has set out to diminish the experience of travelers. Today there are no sit-down dining options save for one meal period, during which you’re served airline-style at your seat. The Pullman style full-service dining car has been replaced with what is called a “Buffet Car,” where you line up, order, pay and STAND UP to eat. And eat, you shall: carb after oil-drenched carb.  Sugar, sugar and more sugar.  Salt, salt and more salt. At least you cover the railroad three basic food groups….GREASE, DOUGH and SUGAR.

I’m reminded of the London Guardian’s restaurant critic, Jay Rayner, as he commented on a breakfast that he recently endured on a train. “The croissant was so flaccid that no form of culinary Viagra would ever get it to stand up again.”

W.T.F.

Phil

As you all know by now, I firmly believe that London has become one of the best food cities in the world, boasting a huge diversity of cuisines as well as an incredible array of award-winning restaurants.

But just a few short years ago, London was mocked for its drab, boring cuisine – the culinary manifestation of a Puritan ethic that regarded the spending of anything more than necessary on food as just plain wrong. The self-denial cultivated by Protestantism yielded bland, dismal renditions of dishes that could have been (and, competently prepared, can certainly be) delicious: Bangers and Mash, Toad-in-the-Hole (sausage and sometimes kidneys) baked in Yorkshire Pudding Batter…Pork Pie (mmm, innards)….Fish & Chips (often greasy)….well-done (very well-done) Sunday Roasts with the drippings utilized on wash-day Monday to bind leftover potatoes and cabbage into dinner patties called Bubble & Squeak.

Then came World War I. Artisanal farmers and dairymen abandoned their fields and flocked to the cities to work in factories. Artisan cheese all but vanished. France, Italy and Spain held on to their peasant culture and set up Appélations Controlées to protect their unique ingredients. (Today Britain has only one: Stilton Cheese.)

And if that weren’t enough damage to British food, World War II hit the country with a double-whammy because England imported roughly 70% of its food and Germany intended to starve the Brits by sinking their shipping convoys. England was locked in a war of national survival.

The best and most nutritious food needed to be allocated to the troops. Consequently, rationing was introduced to the folks on the home front on a vast scale. A typical weekly food ration for an average adult was 4 ounces of bacon, 2 ounces of cheese, a single egg, and 8 ounces of sugar. Rubber, paper, metal pots and pans, and even bones were collected on a regular basis from households.

BTW the fat content from a single pork bone could supply an explosive charge for two rounds of ammunition (and here you thought the risk of pork fat was limited to heart attacks).

Mothers and housewives were forced onto a wartime footing in the kitchen. The British diet changed forever and homemakers were severely challenged to put nutritious meals on the table without the protein they were accustomed to using. It was all about making do with less.

Factory workers would come home to a nutritious dinner of Woolton Pie, a casserole of root vegetables in white sauce smothered with a thick layer of mashed potatoes. Black Pudding (blood sausage) was not rationed, nor were organ meats apparently, because Haggis – an assemblage of liver, sheep’s lungs, heart and tongue, ground up and baked in the lining of a cow’s stomach – assumed a new popularity.

Chicken livers on toast become a staple, as did kidney pie. Spam found its way to the breakfast table, and smoked cod ended up in a potato-like chowder called Cullen Skink. (Cullen is a town in Scotland. I don’t know about Skink.) With sugar tightly rationed, Apple Brown Betty became Britain’s go-to dessert because the apples provided the needed sweetness.

Victory Gardens sprung up on every little plot or scrap of available land…even directly in front of the Prince Albert Memorial in Kensington Gardens. And women took to fruit and vegetable canning on a massive scale. Kraft Cheesey Pasta that was ‘cheese-flavored” was a thrifty choice.

In fact, when I saw the image of the Cheesey Pasta, I recalled my own somewhat vague childhood memories of the war, because in our house the same Kraft product was called Kraft Dinner. Growing up in a house with three families, I recall my mother and grandmother feeding us Mac & Cheese quite often. It must have run five cents a person.

I also recall, as a five-year-old, rummaging through a kitchen drawer on the hunt for ration stamps emblazoned with mighty tanks, warships, cannons and fighter planes. With a fistful of stamps in hand, I’d sneak off to my room and carefully arrange them on the linoleum floor. Most kids who stole those valuable stamps would have received a ration of punishment. But for little Phil, living in a house with three women (my grandmother, my mom and my Aunt Rose), the best they could muster was, “Isn’t little Phil cute?”

Another wartime frugal dish that my mother fed our extended families was Beans and Dumplings. If memory serves me right, it combined the taste of water with the flavorful touch of flour.

Back to England.

There were weekly drives in the neighborhoods to collect items for the war effort – even bacon grease. But not all animal products were gathered. Rabbits, which bred year ‘round, were a plentiful source of meat, and many Brits built rabbit hutches in their backyards. Chicken coops, too. Pig Clubs were also established. Neighborhoods would pool their money and buy a pig, fatten it on scraps of food, and eventually butcher it. Nothing went to waste.

Rationing was finally retired in 1954. By that time, British food culture had sustained major damage; an entire generation forgot how to cook. Food in Britain was stunted.

And then.  AND THEN!!!

Margaret Thatcher became Prime Minister in 1979, and the boom that followed solved the problem. Suddenly it was okay to have money and to spend it. Dining out became acceptable, not sinful.

The enfant terrible chef, Michael Pierre White, opened HARVEY’S and was awarded two Michelin stars. LE CAPRICE arrived on St. James Place. And LE TANTE CLAIRE was crowned with three – count ‘em, THREE – Michelin stars. After Le Tante Claire closed in 2004, Gordon Ramsay opened in the same spot on Hospital Road.

London was suddenly becoming an outward-looking global city. RIVER CAFÉ was, and still is, enjoying Michelin star-studded reviews. QUAGLINO’S arrived with great fanfare. And the world-renowned designer, Terrance Conran, resurrected Bibendum in Kensington – still going strong today with Claude Bosi in the kitchen, fine dining (crazy expensive fine dining) upstairs, and an oyster bar, serving giant pristine shellfish platters, on the ground floor.

Joanne and I prefer the oyster bar.

W.T.F.

PHIL

I’ve been spoiled by MANNY’S – a steakhouse that sets the bar so high that almost every other steakhouse ends up disappointing me one way or another. Sure, a lot of them are fine; and many are good – the steaks are delicious, the service is crisp and efficient. But most of them, including some of the legends, end up leaving me cold. They’ve checked all the steakhouse boxes, but there’s no wit…no attitude or edge…it’s all prose, no poetry.

As Maureen Dowd wrote recently in the New York Times, “You can teach someone to dance, but you can’t teach ‘em to boogie.”

But I do have my favorites, many of which I’ve written about here. One of them is PRIME 112, a Miami steakhouse run by the Myles Restaurant Group, that city’s dominant restaurant company, which also has concepts called PRIME ITALIAN and PRIME FISH.

All three places are well-located and well-run. The principal thread of continuity, however, is the approach they take to dining. They’re about “big food” that’s also really, really GOOD FOOD. And it comes at a steep price. To most folks, they fall into the special occasion category – splurge places where you’d celebrate an anniversary, birthday, or a business success.

At PRIME 112, steaks hover around $60 – $70, and top out with a 16 oz. Japanese Kobe ribeye priced at $230 (that’s not a typo, folks). A platter of Asian chicken wings and an appetizer of five wagyu gyoza dumplings each clock in at $25.

Now, make no mistake, these dishes are generous and they are delicious.

Same with PRIME ITALIAN across the street on Ocean Drive: good, but steep. The Calamari appetizer costs $23. Pastas – all good, all bountiful – average north of thirty bucks a plate.

And then there’s PRIME FISH. This is a restaurant I was especially eager to try. After creating the Oceanaire Seafood Room, probably the nation’s first “power seafood” chain, I wanted to see how the Myles group ventured into the territory suggested by its name.

I was expecting something bright, unadorned, and masculine – like a Joe’s Stone Crab on steroids – but that’s not the ambiance of Prime Fish. This isn’t the seafood equivalent of a New York-style steakhouse. The ambiance is warmer, with a tropical feel appropriate for Miami (it has a beautiful courtyard). It’s a gorgeous restaurant.

Based on my experiences at Prime 112, I expected to be wowed. I wasn’t. Not on my first visit, anyway. As I recall (this is a few years back), the evening did not start well. I wanted to enjoy a simple salad, but all their offerings were composed (fussily, as I recall) and ran about $25. I noticed, though, that a few of their salads contained arugula, so I asked our server for a small arugula salad with a little olive oil and salt. A couple of minutes later he returned and informed me that the chef refused.  

“We’re not happy ‘til you’re not happy.”

Joanne had a kale Caesar (today’s price is about $19). I can’t remember my salad. Joanne followed with an absolutely superb bowl of Lobster Bisque, redolent with little lobster knots that ensured a taste of lobster in each and every spoonful. You’ll pay $27 for it these days.

For our main courses, Joanne had King Crab Lasagna (for $49. Yikes!). I had Swordfish Saltimboca, priced similarly.

With a bottle of wine and Red Velvet Cheesecake for dessert, I think our bill came to just under $13 million dollars.

Remember, I go through this so you don’t have to. And what I discovered on subsequent visits is that you don’t have to break the bank at Prime Fish. Consider our follow-up dinners there. They took place fairly recently (it took a while to digest their refusal to give me the salad I wanted).

On the first of our recent dinners, remembering not just the sticker shock of the check, but the bountiful portion size, Joanne and I approached our dinner a bit more practically. We split an order of six deep-fried Oysters Rockefeller. That worked out to $11 a person. On another visit, we shared a Grilled Octopus appetizer reminiscent of Dirk Diggler as well as a whopping, immensely refreshing salad of chilled watermelon, feta cheese and roasted pepitas – perfect for a hot Miami night.

Our simply grilled Fresh Grouper entree (a 10 oz. filet) was plenty enough for the two of us. And on another occasion when a three-course dinner just seemed like too much, we shared a Fish & Chips. You could also split a Tuna Burger or a Lobster Roll and Fries – all substantially less costly than a main course entrée. Next time, just for variety, we just might make a dinner consisting of four or five appetizers. And wine. Of course.

With a little creativity, it’s possible to finesse expensive restaurant menus. Now, you may be afraid that your server will shame you into ordering more, but I don’t think that will happen – not at restaurants as well run as Prime Fish and its sister operations. They know that if you have a good experience, there’s a great chance you’ll be coming back. And we will, because on our two recent visits we left Prime Fish perfectly satisfied, having spent about $150 for the two of us, including wine. That’s not cheap, but for an absolutely top-tier restaurant in a market like Miami, it’s worth it for the food and experience. Remember, good seafood isn’t cheap (because cheap seafood isn’t good).

BTW, full disclosure…Joanne and I most always split courses at Manny’s.

W.T.F.,

Phil

Around the turn of the 19th century, a rumor spread throughout Japan that a place on the opposite side of the ocean called Peru was full of gold. Furthermore, it was a paradise with a mild climate, rich soil for farming and beautiful beaches.

Consequently, several thousand Japanese – mainly farmers from tropical Okinawa – emigrated to Peru and signed four-year employment contracts to work the farms and sugarcane plantations. After fulfilling their contracts, many migrated to the city and set up small retail shops as well as Japanese-influenced restaurants. I say “influenced” because in the early years they discovered that they could not consistently get all the Japanese ingredients that they were accustomed to using – things like matcha, ginger and miso, as well as soy and teriyaki sauces.

Typical of immigrant restaurateurs, the Japanese introduced new cooking techniques to Peruvians while incorporating native ingredients in Japanese dishes. Over time, they were able to secure the ingredients they’d left behind, but not before they became well-versed in cooking with local staples such as Aji Amarillo peppers, purple potatoes, and different breeds of colorful corn.

The marriage of Peruvian and Japanese cuisine had been consummated, and the new blended cuisine was called “Nikkei” – Peruvian food through a Japanese lens.

For example, the most popular national dish of Peru is called ANTICUCHO. It’s skewered beef heart marinated in red wine and cumin, then grilled. The Peruvian/Japanese version will more likely resemble YAKATORI, but the beef heart skewers will have been marinated in sake, ginger and teriyaki sauce before grilling.

Nikkei cuisine was validated by none other than Nobu Matsuhisa, who in 1977 opened his first NOBU RESTAURANT in Lima, Peru, and went on to become a global icon of high-class sushi fare. More recently, the Nikkei restaurant MAIDO in Lima was ranked #8 in the listing of the “World’s 50 Best Restaurants.”

If you can make it to Peru, by all means sample Nikkei cuisine. There’s quite a bit of it. Japanese-Peruvian residents number over 100,000, representing the largest minority in the country (In fact, Peru even elected a president of Japanese descent, Alberto Fujimori, in 1990).

Fortunately, you don’t have to go that far to find a spectacularly good exemplar of the cuisine, because CHOTTO-MATTE is crushing it in Miami Beach. Located in an alley just behind Lincoln Road, this gorgeous restaurant boasts beautiful wall murals, a bar whose ceiling opens to the sky, a resident DJ, and some of the most flavorful food you’ll find anywhere.

Joanne and I had been there a few times during the past year, but two weeks ago we celebrated her birthday there – and with nine family members (plus a few hangers-on) in tow, we were able to sample practically the entire menu. And GOOD IT IS.

Fortified with orchid-garnished TRADER VIC’S-like tropical drinks, we began with cocktail snacks which came in a wooden Japanese sake box. They included crunchy seasoned giant corn kernels as well as deep-fried Peruvian yuca and sweet potato chips with guacamole and mango salsa dip.

Next up: Three orders of gyoza Japanese dumplings in Peruvian spicy yellow tomato salsa for dipping. That was followed by a sushi sampling platter – straight-forward and pristine. Then two NIKKEI versions of maki rolls arrived, one crowned with a handful of crispy plantain straws, the other rolled in Peruvian quinoa, then torched and toasted tableside. This is inventive stuff, folks.

I love grilled octopus but have never had it with dollops of purple potato puree.

Lobster ceviche, “cooked” in fresh-squeezed key lime juice, teemed with hunks of claw meat, “Nikkei-ized” with cubes of sweet potato and yellow tomatoes.

TRADITO is the name of Nikkei Sashimi – the difference being that the Peruvian sauce is a little spicy and the dish is often topped with salty purple potato chips.

Chotto-Matte devotes an entire section of the menu to tempura and pulls it off with a delicate hand. Crispy soft-shell crab was sitting atop what I think is called “yum yum” sauce: mayonnaise spiked with paprika, sugar and garlic. I don’t think “yum yum” sauce is Japanese or Peruvian or Nikkei. It sounds sort of like something I’d have on a potato hot dish at a church supper in Alabama. But DAMN, IT WAS GOOD with the tempura crab.

Maine Lobsters play a significant role here. One was paired with vegetable tempura. Another came on a bed of Japanese fried rice laced with Peruvian sweet potatoes, jalapeno peppers and deep-fried giant corn kernels, each the size of my thumb nail (these are also offered as a side dish).

Be sure to try the pork belly with orange peel, cilantro and a seven-spice mixture called Shichimi-Togarashi.

It’s impressive how naturally the Japanese and Peruvian flavor profiles marry up, but the cuisines haven’t achieved total union just yet. Neither Chotto-Matte or any other restaurant that I know of offers a Nikkei rendition of CUY – the rodent (a guinea pig to be precise) commonly hawked in Lima food stalls. It’s typically grilled with its feet, tiny claws and teeth intact.

However, those of you out there who may just have a hankering for something unusual to eat, let not your heart be troubled – for with three days advance notice, CHINO LATINO will come to your rescue. We sell three to four cuy a month (Really, I ain’t lyin’) and THEY’RE DELICIOUS.

WTF,

Phil